NOTE: I know I haven’t done BEDA for over a week but I was very, very busy. Trying to catch up now though. (Hopefully.)
WARNING: This is going to be enigmatic. Basically, it’s just me talking/ranting to myself. Probably better to ignore this since it doesn’t make much sense anyway.
So, how okay is it really to be hard on yourself when you have (almost) every reason to be satisfied with your work? I’ve just received the results of something I did a couple of weeks ago and I got good results. But this “thing” that I’ve done, it’s something I did for myself and it’s very closely related to that state I’ve been in for almost 3 years now. (Readers among you who have stuck around for a couple of months know what I’m referring to.)
I guess, I have to admit that I did it up to a certain extent to prove something to myself. To prove that I’m able to pull myself together and am actually capable of accomplishing something in the so-called “real world” (as opposed to the virtual one). To prove to myself that I can actually care for myself and plan things ahead for the future. And as I said before, the results were good. Satisfying for most people, I think. Satisfying for me too, if I were my usual self, my healthy self.
I’m not my usual self though (if something akin to that still exists) and as I analyzed my results I realised that I could’ve done better. So much better actually if I only had pick myself up and pulled myself together to work harder. Instead I was – as usual – wallowing in self-pity, procrastinating and postponing work to do. But instead of trying to become more of my “usual self” of my “old, healthy self” I decided to stay and float on in that “state.” It’s a disgusting and pathetic behaviour, in my opinion, and it has prevented me from being good at something for once.
Point being: I’ve done well at something and most people would be satisfied but I’m not because I clearly knew I could’ve done better. It was not an accident, it’s not an unhealthy form of ambition that I have – it’s simply me being stupid beforehand and messing things up. It’s me being more of a child than an adult. It’s me being cowardly instead of courageous. It’s me wasting time and opportunities away.
Gah. I shall stop, probably. Also, I hope I can soon answer the question above. One on side I feel pretty ungrateful, on the other I just am plainly mad at me for not using my chances in a better way.