words, worldly wisdoms & wanna-be photography

Posts tagged “confused

to buy or not to buy

Hi there, guys!

Oh, how much I’ve missed my writing! It feels so good to be typing sentences on this keyboard again, after a long time of only scrolling down endless pages.
However, I’m not here to write a major post – sorry – everything’s sort of blurry and dizzy at the moment. I’ve got so much going on and so much I have to do and it keeping on my toes 24/7 and in my free time I’d rather sit down and read or watch films instead of “restarting” my brain again.
But I won’t bother you with a typical Stella-rant again; actually I’ve got a short question for you all.

I especially aim this question at the photographers following my blog or occasionally stopping by but it’s not as if all other of you couldn’t answer it (for me).
The thing is, should I buy a DSLR or not? I’m really, really insecure at the moment.
You see, two weeks ago I saw on Facebook this girl who posted a new album titled EOS 500D.  I went through her photos, which were not all that interesting or creative but got quite a high quality. As you probably know me, you’ve already guessed that I got quite envious.
I don’t know how it is in other places but teenagers my age here have picked up on photography recently. Must be a hipster thing coming up, I guess, with indie-stye being the new mainstream and all. Of course, it’s only a guess and I’m not entirely sure about it; maybe everyone’s really interested in photography now.
However that also means that many of them bought themselves a nice, new camera, which in most cases was a DSLR. I’ve saved money for two and a half years now to buy me one and I know it’s not fair and especially not right to blame them, but I sometimes would go completely frustrated seeing all these new photographers appearing out of nowhere. (Well, some of them might have been saving money for two years as well – I don’t know, but I guess they didn’t and just bought it.)
Two weeks ago (the point where I saw this album on Facebook) I got so frustrated that I even considered the thought of stopping saving money for a new camera. I mean, I’ve got quite a nice one: it’s a digital compact camera with a Leica lens, so it’s not as if I’ve got a lot to complain about.
But I just want to improve and I want to shoot photos with a better focus and contrast and a better zoom and everything. And I think, as a beginner, it would do me well to buy a DSLR. On the other side though, I fear that I can’t see my improvements. Because now, and I dare to say this, I think my photos are quite good for “only” a compact camera (sounds like bragging, I know, but I don’t mean it that way), compared to other photos shot by other compact cameras and when comparing creativity my photos sometimes even look slightly better than some of the DSLR-shot ones. But what about later? I fear that, when I reached the same “level” of general quality, I won’t be able to see my improvements anymore.
I mean all my photos will (mostly) be quite sharp and also have a better contrast, I guess. To make a photo look good isn’t as hard as before and I’m also afraid of my creativity improvements.
What if I don’t work as hard anymore to get interesting photos because I stop searching for creative motives too quickly, blinded by the quality?
Is that even possible?

Oh god, do I make even sense at all? This is so pathetic, really. I think, I’m not making any sense to you all, sorry. Still, if someone is up and able to answer my question (Shall I buy a DSLR-camera or not?) please do so, it’d be quite helpful. Man, I think like I’m going mad here writing such nonsense…

being a big sister is confusing

What is a big sister? These days, I’m asking myself this question quite a lot. You see, I just can’t remember what’s included in being a big sister. What I’m supposed to do, what’ expected of me and so on.
It’s just been today that I had a quarrel with my sister. It was totally stupid and a complete waste of time, yet we were both quite raged. Especially my younger sister. In the end she handed me the thing we were arguing about and throw an insult in my face. Considering the wide range of slang words nowadays, the insult meant nothing as it was common to most young people our age. And I’m sure she didn’t mean it literally and I’m not the person to take insults seriously. I usually just shrug them off.
But from the other side, considering that swearing and insulting each other using those common slang insults are inappropriate in our household (our mum’s absolutely against it) and also us being a traditional Asian family, the insult meant so much more. Not in its actual meaning, but further in the way it was total inappropriate behaviour from my sister’s side.
After dinner I told her that she ought to apologize to me. First she didn’t know what it was about then she began to defend herself by denying it. I told her that respecting the elder ones is a principle wide known in Asia, something everyone does and accepts and follows. I’ve been brought up that way and she should have been too, but with being the baby princess in the family, I don’t think the message got through to her properly. So I really emphasized on that and afterwards she wouldn’t talk to me for some time. Nice.

Just afterwards, as always after scolding her, I got my bad conscience. Maybe I was too harsh? I mean, who am I anyway to scold her? She asked me “Are you my mother?” and I responded saying that I’m not but that I’m her big sister, implying that I was allowed to tell her off too.
Now I’m not so sure anymore. She’s insulted me many times before, always in the manner that wouldn’t please our parents. That’s why I probably never told them about this scenarios. Because I know that they will scold her (or at least my mum) and, you know, she’s my baby sister and I just don’t like the picture of her getting scolded by someone else. I realized at some point that I just can’t do that to her.
And ever since then I took over the job of telling her off whenever she’d insulted me (It may seem to you that she’s a mean girl, but you know how it is with siblings – we needle each other on a daily basis.).
But is this even right?
I mean I don’t have a problem with her yelling at me all sorts of things – I’m quite easy with that – but I just don’t want her to get in trouble or embarrass my parents because of her unique ability to not think before speaking. Seeing that I’m supposed to be her role model, I really try not to swear too much around her (which is of no use, in the end: considering that her friends and their habits are a great  influence on her behaviour) and always being nice to my parents (Very hard at this age, but I try.) and other elder people.
But hey, who am I to tell all those things? I’m only her sister after all. I’m not even an adult. I’ve been disrespectful so many times in my life and I still am a few times and I bet I’ll still be a few times in the future. It’s not like I’m the politeness goddess or any of the like. No, I really am not, but I pretend to be one in front of my sister.
Sometimes I just have enough of all this and I know, it’s not something I have to do – being all motherly – but as I said before I don’t want her to get scold by my parents for some bad behaviour. I mean I don’t want to leave this impression on her, that I’m being all over-protective or a moraliser or a politeness guide. I want to be the big sister to her. The one she can go to if she’s got a problem or the one she can laugh with for hours or the one she’s being crazy with on good days. It’s not like I’m not all these things to her right now, but lately I just got the impression as if the other part of our sisterhood is tainted with me telling her off. She’s in the beginning of her teen years right now, I know, and that she doesn’t mean half of the mean things she says but still… I feel as if I have to teach her otherwise, constantly.
I’m so confused right now. Am I right or wrong? What’s a big sister? Is it included that I’m not only there for fun for my younger siblings?
What do you think?




PS: I haven’t been able to comment for about a week now. I don’t know why but my comments on other blogs just wont appear… so forgive me if I always “like” your posts but never write something underneath it!