words, worldly wisdoms & wanna-be photography

Posts tagged “decisions

New Layout!

As I said in yesterday’s post, part of my BEDA will be the update of boredmaiden’s colour scheme and header – which I just did! I only have a few minutes left before the day is over, which means that I can’t write that much about it if I want to post this on time – but I’ll update this post first thing tomorrow for sure.

This is what boredmaiden looked like for the past 2 years, by the way:

boredmaiden

UPDATE: Apparently funny things happen when you’re writing blog posts around midnight and you’re already sleepy and tired; I really don’t know why I would count a post about my new layout as BEDA-appropriate. I mean, look at the post above and it actually tells nothing and I’d like to think that doing BEDA should have the goal to write about things – be it in a short or long post – that have meaning. Oh well.

I guess I now can just as well tell you what I was thinking about when I changed my colour scheme: So, for two years boredmaiden had this dark colour scheme and as I previously mentioned I chose it because it works as a nice contrast to my photos and acts as a neutral background for them. With dark blue, colours hardly ever clash. But when I was looking at my latest posts a couple of months ago and noticed how depressing they all were and how dark even the header is, I decided that I might need a change, might go for something lighter.
I tried out a few colour schemes yesterday – I first wanted it to be white, but this theme doesn’t allow a white – white background so I’ve switched it now to this cream tone. If you now scroll down to my latest photos, you’ll probably notice that the background and  the pictures don’t fit that well anymore – the contrast’s less obvious – but I’d like to think that it works out all right, which was my objective. Also it fits the black-and-white header I’ve chosen very well, in my opinion. What do you think? Do you think it’s obnoxious? Hideous? Should I change back? Should I only change the hue?


BEDA 2013 and other news

So I’m actually supposed to be working on a presentation right now, but here I am, procrastinating as usual and spontaneously deciding to blog again after a months-long hiatus (also as usual).

The thing is, I miss talking / writing to you guys. And tonight I just had the irrepressible urge to blog again after a long pause – and who am I to deny my heart its most ardent wishes? (I’ll just excuse myself by saying that you’ve got to let the creative mind do what it wants to do whenever it wants to do it – or the missed opportunity of being inspired for a moment will haunt you forever.)

I actually don’t even know what to write about and it feels so weird to be writing again: It’s a mix between familiarity and strangeness – on one hand my fingers know what they want to type but on the other hand they hesitate ever so slightly as if not sure if what they’re doing is right. It also feels weird to write so formally again, after such a long time, or to carefully think about when to begin a new paragraph – on most social media platforms I hardly ever check my spelling or grammar or structure and I have a tendency to write without much planning. (Which I am actually doing as well right now.)

I guess I can update you on my life though; a lot has happened in the past few months, and I think I do have enough to talk about for the near future once I’ve thought things through and made a plan. So far I can say this:

1.) Remember how I wanted to write a post about introversion? Turns out I somehow lost half of my notes. The topic is very important to me though, so I’ll definitely write about it some day (when I’ll have rewritten my notes) and hope you’ll still want to read about it then. (Thanks for being patient and ignoring my inability to keep promises, by the way.)

2.) A post I could write with less preparation though would be about the ways internet has changed my life – and it’s something I’ve wanted to write for such a long time now, so you might get to read it in a couple of weeks. (I won’t make any promises anymore, ever, since I’m apparently really bad at keeping them.) The post will tell the story of how I got involved in the internet in the first place, when that happened and how it has affected me and my life.

3.) Third, I’ve just decided to participate in BEDA 2013! So you all know how bad I am at challenges or challenging myself but I guess you also know by now how much I like to try and try again to actually conclude one.
This time it’s BEDA which stands for Blog Every Day in April, which in turn is the writing version of VEDA (Vlog Every Day in April) and means that I’m going (to attempt to) blog every day. I don’t think there are any rules to it except the blogging every day part, which gives me all the freedom to choose between short or long posts, text posts or photo posts, telling stories or recommending something. Sounds exciting, right?

Yeah, I know, a lot of you are probably sighing at the moment, saying “you’re not going to write every day Stella, you know you won’t, and anyway, you’re already three days late” but… I don’t know, I’ve just got a better feeling this time since some of my internet friends and a lot of people I’m following are either participating in BEDA or VEDA and that is an actual motivator for me. (They’re all ridiculously prolific.)

To give you an idea what I’m going to talk about, here’s a list of topics I could imagine writing/posting about (no guarantees though):

  • As mentioned above in 2.) “How the Internet Has Changed My Life”
  • “A Short Introduction to Webshows”
  • Teenage ramblings à la “I’m soon going to finish school – Arrgh!” or “University – help me!” or “I Feel Mopey and Depressed – A Post about Common Adolescent Angsting”
  • A post featuring my latest photography
  • Recommendations of compilations of articles on a specific topic you should read (which is rather reblogging than blogging, I guess) e.g. campus sexism, internet culture etc. or recommendations of bands you might want to check out or recommendations of other websites (link lists)…
  • Travel reports of amazing places I’ve been
  • Posts about events that happened recently

But maybe you have something you’d like me to post about? If so, don’t hesitate to tell me and write down your suggestion in the comments below. I’m generally open for anything and try my best to write about everything (since this blog has no concept anyway). Or maybe you have something of the list above you’d really like to see? Just tell me, I’d love to hear a response from you in any kind of way. And I know I’m not the best at replying very fast or sometimes I would forget to reply, but I do read each and everyone of your comments and am genuinely happy about each of them, really! Some of you have also written feedback per e-mail, which is totally alright, too.

4.) I know this blog has never changed its appearance in its almost 2 1/4 year-long existence but I’m actually thinking of changing parts of the layout. But before I do that I want to know what you think. Should I leave it like this or should I change? Do you associate this blog especially with its layout?

I’m not thinking about changing my theme since this one displays text as well as photo posts so perfectly; but I’ve been thinking of changing the background to a lighter colour maybe. I know that the dark blue goes well with a lot of different photos, which was really important to me at the beginning but I think a white or crème or beige background would fit well, too. And maybe I’ll also change my header. What do you think?

As always, thanks for reading and sticking with me – see you tomorrow!

Stella

PS: Today, I’ve unusually used a lot of slang words – I’m sorry, I’ll try to be more formal next time.


to end a year

Laying in my bed right now and listening to the thundering sounds of fireworks nearby, I watch how the minutes on my clock turn from one minute to another. From 00:00 to 00:01 and from 00:01 to 00:02 and so on. It’s actually quite sad: sitting in front of your computer on New Year’s Eve while all others are out there partying hard or just enjoying an exiting night with friends.
But this year there has been complications and one way or the other, I somehow knew that, as so many years before this one, I’ll be spending New Year’s at home, despite this year’s possibility of breaking the habit.

Last year for example I could recall myself lying in my bed desperately trying to stay awake until midnight because it felt plain wrong to not stay up on the last day of the year and trying to think of some ways to stick to my resolutions I’d written about earlier. It was my first “real and official” time then; I had no experience whatsoever and looking back now, I must confess that I haven’t been that successful with my resolutions list.
I came up with exactly 5 resolutions of which I achieved:

  • 2 to a three-quarter,
  • 2 others to a half and
  • 1 to zero.

I was, of course, most successful with continuing to write this blog; it was my first and utmost goal and I’m proud that I haven’t vanished yet. The second thing was actually my sports-resolution (going running from spring on) which I really did – occasionally. My two halves are 1. the poetry thing which I did a few times but I sadly have to say that I haven’t been that creative this year and 2. searching for a new hobby. That one I managed only half: I mean yes, I engaged in that school play but it was only temporarily, nothing for a longer period. Still, I’m glad I haven’t been sitting around at home as much as last year (or better: 2 years before.) A failure of mine was actually the writing resolution (the one where I wanted to write a story) – I did nothing of that kind. I tried to find the time; but as you probably noticed from this blog’s content I focused much more on photography this year than writing and whenever I had free time I’d spend it attached to my camera.

All in all not a brilliant result, I guess, but rather a failure of my part. But I also think that this resolutions business may be associated with the saying of “Try, trial and try again”. And so I’m just going to try again with these:

  1. Keep on writing this blog; especially filling out the “holes” and motivating myself much more.
  2. Getting a DSLR camera and start shooting at whatever comes my way.
  3. Figuring out a topic for my final paper (is due anyway).
  4. Trying to keep on going running as soon as spring arrives.
  5. Write a bucket list.
  6. Keeping as many promises as possible.
  7. Learning a few star constellations.
  8. Starting to read a few English literature classics.
  9. Stay individual.
  10. Be myself.
  11. Be happy.

And now I’m just going to ignore the fact that this list is far too long and it makes it just so much harder to accomplish all these goals Happy New Year to you all!


to buy or not to buy

Hi there, guys!

Oh, how much I’ve missed my writing! It feels so good to be typing sentences on this keyboard again, after a long time of only scrolling down endless pages.
However, I’m not here to write a major post – sorry – everything’s sort of blurry and dizzy at the moment. I’ve got so much going on and so much I have to do and it keeping on my toes 24/7 and in my free time I’d rather sit down and read or watch films instead of “restarting” my brain again.
But I won’t bother you with a typical Stella-rant again; actually I’ve got a short question for you all.

I especially aim this question at the photographers following my blog or occasionally stopping by but it’s not as if all other of you couldn’t answer it (for me).
The thing is, should I buy a DSLR or not? I’m really, really insecure at the moment.
You see, two weeks ago I saw on Facebook this girl who posted a new album titled EOS 500D.  I went through her photos, which were not all that interesting or creative but got quite a high quality. As you probably know me, you’ve already guessed that I got quite envious.
I don’t know how it is in other places but teenagers my age here have picked up on photography recently. Must be a hipster thing coming up, I guess, with indie-stye being the new mainstream and all. Of course, it’s only a guess and I’m not entirely sure about it; maybe everyone’s really interested in photography now.
However that also means that many of them bought themselves a nice, new camera, which in most cases was a DSLR. I’ve saved money for two and a half years now to buy me one and I know it’s not fair and especially not right to blame them, but I sometimes would go completely frustrated seeing all these new photographers appearing out of nowhere. (Well, some of them might have been saving money for two years as well – I don’t know, but I guess they didn’t and just bought it.)
Two weeks ago (the point where I saw this album on Facebook) I got so frustrated that I even considered the thought of stopping saving money for a new camera. I mean, I’ve got quite a nice one: it’s a digital compact camera with a Leica lens, so it’s not as if I’ve got a lot to complain about.
But I just want to improve and I want to shoot photos with a better focus and contrast and a better zoom and everything. And I think, as a beginner, it would do me well to buy a DSLR. On the other side though, I fear that I can’t see my improvements. Because now, and I dare to say this, I think my photos are quite good for “only” a compact camera (sounds like bragging, I know, but I don’t mean it that way), compared to other photos shot by other compact cameras and when comparing creativity my photos sometimes even look slightly better than some of the DSLR-shot ones. But what about later? I fear that, when I reached the same “level” of general quality, I won’t be able to see my improvements anymore.
I mean all my photos will (mostly) be quite sharp and also have a better contrast, I guess. To make a photo look good isn’t as hard as before and I’m also afraid of my creativity improvements.
What if I don’t work as hard anymore to get interesting photos because I stop searching for creative motives too quickly, blinded by the quality?
Is that even possible?

Oh god, do I make even sense at all? This is so pathetic, really. I think, I’m not making any sense to you all, sorry. Still, if someone is up and able to answer my question (Shall I buy a DSLR-camera or not?) please do so, it’d be quite helpful. Man, I think like I’m going mad here writing such nonsense…


sweets

“Seven Days In Sunny June” – PhotoWeek

#4:

This is a shot I did during my spring break, when I spent the day with two friends in Zürich at the lake. My friend with the passion fruit also brought this with her – raspberry drops. Actually I’m no great fan of drops since they’re so sticky in their own way, and it took so long to finish one of them (Oh yeah, just consider me weird.). But she made me try them and well… they’re not so bad. To commemorate the day I ate my first drop since a very, very long time – I used them as my photo models and this is the result.

PS: I’ve got another version here.


promotion

Hi guys!

I just wanted to inform you that I’ll be doing my second Photo Week next week, starting on Monday. The idea came to my mind while listening to the song “Seven Days In Sunny June” by Jamiroquai – it came to my mind that it’s already June and seven days are the perfect amount of time for a photo week. These photos are all the ones I made during my spring break (none from Hungary though) and the ones I made in my home economics course. I hope you’ll enjoy them!

By the way, the real reason I write is that actually, when I’m editing my photos, there are a lot “leftovers” and alternative shots I could have taken as well. I think it’s a pity that I couldn’t use them and so I decided yesterday to sign up a new blog, which will be a photo blog with these “leftovers” and alternatives. I think, I’d rather share them with you, then to keep them unused to myself.

If you want to check it out, here’s the link: trappedinillusions.wordpress.com.

Until next time,

Stella


ignoring meat

Hi guys!

As you see, no Weekly Photo Challenge today (I’m surprised too.)! Luckily for you, I didn’t get to take much photos this week. And there are no teasers for my Hungary post as well. In fact I’m quite busy at the moment. In a few hours I’ll be off to the third week of my home economics course (which is super exhausting, all this cleaning, tidying, cooking and do-it-yourself-ing) and along the way I’m trying to apply for a visa to england (which is super annoying as a foreigner in the country you’re applying from).

The only thing really enjoyable at the moment, are the dishes we cook in our course (I’m so lucky to have a cooking-talented class, really.). At the beginning I thought as a vegetarian I won’t get much diversity of meals because only a small part of our class is vegetarian. But I was wrong. I got the most wonderful meals even without meat, without fish, without gelatine.

But first back to the beginning: Actually I’m no 24/7 vegetarian. I’m not allowed to be one at home, because my mum doesn’t want to cook 2 different meals or to constantly search for meat substitutes. And actually, that’s fine by me. I mean our family’s not much of a meat-eater anyway, and when I’m eating at school I just try to avoid meat as much as possible. But then we had to fill forms for our home economics course in which you could “choose” being a vegetarian. I thought that since I don’t eat much meat, don’t like many different types of meat and don’t mind to do without meat, I could just as well be a vegetarian. And I crossed the box with “vegetarian” written next to it.

First, it was totally normal for me to not eat meat. It was normal as well to cook the meat in our cooking classes but to not try it afterwards. I didn’t even had problems to touch the meat. I only had my weak moments when it came to fish, because that’s something I really, really love in almost every way (I mean, I’m Indonesian, it’s weird to not like fish).

But what really surprised me was that when I returned home for the weekends and had to be “not-veggie” again, I had struggle with myself. It was so weird. I realized that my mind completely ignored the meat. The first friday I got home, my mum made fish for dinner. She put them all on a separate plate and in the end I completely forgot to eat my portion of fish. Or that I really had to bring myself to eat meat because in my eyes, it looked plain “unattractive” to me.
I’ve always thought that it’d be much harder to convert from “normal” to vegetarian than the way back. But apparently it feels much weirder eat meal again.

What do you think? What’s for you harder to accomplish?


questions under the spring sun

Time’s flying by too fast. While in this virtual world I’m as slow as some snail (due to my lack of posting), in reality, time’s running away. It seems just like yesterday that my holiday ended, but actually it’s already been four weeks. On Thursday I think “yesterday was Monday” only to realize that the next day’s Friday. Nothing’s in the right time and place, and I feel as if I’m constantly lagging behind time. In a few weeks are spring holidays and then our home economics course for three weeks, and then soon afterwards summer holidays, and then 5th grade starts and I’m already thinking about topics for my final paper. Especially right now, seeing the current fifth graders hanging up their little papers with their ideas for their final papers makes me think of what I want from life.
I’m not a first grader anymore, letting time pass by and destiny decide of what I’ll  be doing in the future. No, decisions are awaiting me soon. And with every year, every holiday they’re getting bigger and bigger. What do I want from life? I don’t have a clue. It seems so unfair. How am I supposed to know it with 16? There are just a few people I know who have already determined their profession after school. So confident in what they’re going to study. How can they trust us all at the age of 18 to make the right decisions? To make decisions this big? Are we already ready for it? We’ll see. But I’m 16 now and next year 17 and the year after next 18 and – you know – maybe it’d be good if I’m already thinking about the future. At least a bit. Because there’s this pressure that somehow, between school and friends and family, I won’t be able to think about it much.

And this thinking, this whole thinking is scaring me. Scaring me shitless. But at the same time this whole mess in my head is turning me into some dull, uninspired, lazy person instead. So I can suppress those thoughts. And maybe it’s the warm spring sun, maybe it’s my leaning towards nostalgia, but lately I’m daydreaming a lot, sitting in the sun, just doing nothing. Nothing relevant at all. And when I remember my current concerns, I feel like the biggest fool in the world to just spend time with daydreaming. And here, here we have the reason why I haven’t written for so long. I guess, I had just to figure out some stuff. Like, my life. My wishes. Myself.
Starting with easy questions like “Is the spring sun really making me lazy?” to harder ones like “Should I really think about my future subjects at college already now?”

And you know what my conclusion is? That in the end, it’s not that important. I mean, I still have 2 years to figure it out. And it’d be good if I knew what I’ll be doing in two years. Or at least have some ideas. But it’s not tragic if I don’t know it yet, either. And maybe this is so completely stupid (and tragic) that I refer to the twilight saga movies, but remember in Eclipse? When Jessica made this graduation speech and said that now, after their graduation is the time for doing all the mistakes, all the wrong decisions in your life? Well, it feels like now is the time for me to do so. A few years ago my biggest wish was to grow up as fast as possible. To become a famous shooting star or a life-saving doctor or a genial architect. But right now, I wish I could go back to 6 years ago. My biggest wish now is just to lie down on the grass with nothing on my mind but pure contentedness. And maybe this lying down and taking life slow is a mistake. Maybe it’s a mistake, but at the same time, it may be alright. It may be totally all right. Because it’s what we humans do after all, isn’t it?
We make mistakes. Then we learn from our mistakes. And finally, we do it right. All right.


almost recovered

Hi guys!

It turned out that yesterday was the last day of my mid-holiday depression and I have to say that in this very moment I’m almost fully recovered.
This fast progress in my “health” I owe to the great consume of the Love actually soundtrack (especially Sometimes by Gabrielle) and the non-stop reading of Pride and Prejudice, the well-known novel by Jane Austen (my reading lasted from yesterday around 8 pm to today 4:20 am – I somehow just couldn’t put it away.).
I’m actually that fine now, that I even regret (a little bit) the loss of Backstreet Boys on my iPod – I didn’t realize until today that an iPod lends itself remarkably well for memories of your personal musical history.

I’ve got exactly 1946 songs on my iPod. Not much but enough for most situations in life: There are heartbreak songs, cheesy love songs, falling-in-love songs, political songs, freedom songs, happy songs and sad songs, songs to dance and songs to sleep and so on.
But I noticed that I do not know all these songs. Of course, I’d recognize them when being played to me as in “I’ve heard of this before but really can’t recall its name”, but I couldn’t allocate them to their interpreter or instantly say their names. It’s tragic, I think.
All the time I wasn’t exactly bragging about my musical taste, and yet I never considered it as tasteless or too much influenced by medias. I was, in fact, rather pride of my radio withdrawal (see my post a musical journey) or my (wannabe-)indie behaviour and considered people with lots of mainstream music as unworthy (yeah, maybe a bit over exaggerated but I can’t think of another word right now) – never considering that they might fully recognize each song on their iPod and don’t pretend to be something they aren’t anymore instead.
Too late I realized that I’ve developed myself further, that I just want to be the punk/rock girl from before – but am not anymore. I just didn’t want to realize it; that I’ve moved a bit more into the direction of indie pop and left The Hives, Incubus, Kaiser Chiefs, Reamonn, Evanescence, Foo Fighters and The Rasmus behind.
I’m ashamed now, to always “praised” myself as a rock girl when I didn’t truly listened to, for example, The Hives anymore, which I considered as one of the most inspiring rock bands (quite) a while ago.

This all left me to the conclusion that I have to – again – clear my iPod out. I want it  to be the storage of the music I listen to at the moment and a storage for the songs that have greatly influenced me in the past. All in all (as I’m skimming my iPod) I can only delete 4 interpreters yet (haven’t gone through the songs yet), but it’s better than nothing, right?

PS: Does this post make sense? I’m totally confused. You see I wrote almost fully recovered and my head’s really still a mess, I’m afraid.


the tricky thing

New Year’s resolutions are always a tricky thing, I think. Last year was the first time I made a real list of resolutions and I succeeded in only four out of ten. Sadly, it’s not writing these goals rather than trying to achieve them that is harder to accomplish. I always try to find doable resolutions, with a real potential to be achieved at the end of the year. But somehow I’ve always failed.

Why? First, I kind of (intentionally) forget them during the year. But I don’t think, that if I’d remind myself each day of my resolutions, I’ll get them done; lazy as I know myself (this is really a bad trait of mine), I just postpone them to another day.
Second, I didn’t consider them well; for example I promised last year to go to the theater more often with a friend of mine. We subscribed to a kind of “club”, with which we can get the tickets cheaper, but of course it’d be just worth it, if we use them often. Which we never did. Not once. Eventually, I wasn’t keen on this subscription anymore and so failed in one of my resolutions.
And third I lacked in courage: One of my resolutions was to ask my father to watch the stars together. He’s a great astronomy fan (and that’s why I was named Stella – the Italian word for “star”) and when I was younger, we used to watch documentary films about astronomy together. But I’ve grown up, spend more time with my friends and he’s always busy working; I didn’t dare to ask him, because I might be disturbing his work. And so also this resolution fell through.

As for this year I decided that the ultimate solution to all my problems would be witnesses. Yes, witnesses. I think, I need witnesses who are able to see my New Year’s resolutions and as a result I might bring myself to achieve them, because I expect something from myself; because I don’t want you to see me failing in achieving them. (Now you might think I’m weird – and let me say: I also think I’m weird.)

Well, these are my New Year’s resolutions:

  1. Keep on writing this blog! (The single most important resolution, good for my PostAWeek stats and I won’t fail this one, promise.)
  2. This year I decided to finally do something against my boring life and this would mean searching a new hobby. (Blogging doesn’t count for me, since this isn’t something in the real world; it’s something virtual) At the moment I’ve got to choose between taking drama classes, volleyball, yoga, starting a drawing course and starting a photography course. (Question: What would you personally chose?)
  3. To write a story. A real story as in a novel or short story and the like. This year’s the first time I’ve heard of NaNoWriMo, the campaign to write a story or a book of at least 50000 words in a month, which was November then. I hope I’ll get an idea by then. And I don’t think I will succeed in writing a full story, because I’ve started so many stories but after about three chapters didn’t find any ideas to continue. Anyway, the main thing is trying, right? And if I fail, I can still try it next year again. At least I’ve tried.
  4. Continue writing poetry. I started a few months ago, mainly in English, because somehow the words just came by naturally. A few excerpts of them you’ll certainly see when I’m commenting my photos.
  5. Finally, because I know how much of a couch potato I am, I wrote down: Go jogging from next spring on. Haha, I’m really exited to see how much of this I can accomplish.

So that was it for my New Year’s resolutions. About each accomplished one of them I’m going to post something (which, btw is also good for my PostAWeek stats, haha). I hope, I’ll be able to achieve each one of them!

As for now, Happy New Year to you all!

PS: Here’s one of the songs of my New Year’s Eve soundtrack – it’s about the morning after and somehow depressing (a bit) but I still like it (probably just because I grew up with this):